Walking Therapy – Stress Management

Each morning for the past several years, with the exception of weekends, with half opened eyes, I am out of bed, dressed, teeth brushed and ready for my 4 mile walk with my wonderful, dependable female walking partners. And as you know, whenever women get together, you can be sure that there is always something to discuss and resolve.

One of our most often discussed topics is STRESS. Because of the overabundance of stress in our modern lives, there is always something that is happening in our life or in the life of someone else that we know. We need the support of each other to make sense of it and learn how to cope with it. One of our walkers did some research and discovered that Hans Selye, an early scientist who studied stress coined the term “stress” from physics and engineering and defined it as “mutual actions of forces that take place across any section of the body, physical or psychological”.

Where does stress come from? It comes from stressors (situations and pressures) like bumper to bumper traffic, angry bosses, deadlines, screaming children, work/life balance issues, long lines at the supermarket, motor vehicle bureau, movie theaters, the environment, the economy, family conflicts, parenting, relationships, disease, aging, buying a house, or going to college – just to mention a few!!! As our lives become more complicated, our stress response increases. The result is: “give me that pill, sign me up at the gym, yoga, kick boxing, tai-chi, or let’s have a drink”, which actually worsens the stress and can make us more sensitive to further stress.

The Collaborative Option Part 2: The Role of the Financial Neutral

The Collaborative team approach addresses the emotional, financial, and legal issues of a dispute and provides clients with the best tools to facilitate conversation, collaboration and agreement.

In this blog, I’d like to focus specifically on my role as the Financial Neutral and the importance of having an interdisciplinary team. Once a couple has chosen the collaborative process, and have met with their collaborative lawyers, I will meet with them as their financial neutral.

In my role as the neutral, I am helping both husband and wife, whose main financial concerns are how are they going to survive financially and will they be able to retire?  My role is to educate them, present various choices and options, and facilitate their decision making without aligning and advocating for either one of them.

I present the best and worst case scenarios and make the complicated financial issues much easier for them to understand.  I help them solve problems so they can meet their goals and objectives. As the collaborative financial neutral I am not bound by what the court may or may not do, so I can be more creative and bring the clients to a safer place for option exploration and decision making.

Some of the financial issues I can help the couple and their collaborative lawyers with are:

• Income and cash flow availability for spousal support
• Child support including advising on double dipping concerns.
• Income tax issues like resident sales, capital gains, AMT issues
• The equitable distribution of assets net of any tax consequences
• Budgets, financial planning and adequacy of resources
• Retirement savings
• Preparing projections
• Computation of child support
• Alimony recapture computation
• Any present value for buyouts and other purposes
• Asset tracing
• Determination of marital and separate property components of assets
• Understanding complex financial documents and products and preparing net worth statements

Have you ever felt like a professional was aligning against you in the past?

The Collaborative Option – Part 1

When clients come to our office, they don’t understand the different choices they have in getting divorced or separated.  We explain to them that there are two types of non-adversarial alternative dispute resolutions that we practice, Mediation and Collaborative.  For couples who want to settle their divorce without going through the litigation process, Mediation or the Collaborative process is much more cost effective, efficient and greatly reduces the emotional stress associated with the divorce process.  Our last blog discussed Mediation so in this one we will talk about the Collaborative process.

The Collaborative team approach addresses the emotional, financial, and legal issues of a dispute and provides clients with the best tools to facilitate conversation, collaboration and agreement.

There are three reasons why a couple may choose to use the Collaborative process as opposed to Mediation:

• When there is an imbalance of power in the relationship
• When one of the parties is uncomfortable about or unsure of their ability to advocate for themselves
• When there is high conflict between the parties

In these three situations, couples feel more comfortable in the collaborative process because they have their own coach and their own legal representative advocating for them.

A successful multidisciplinary Collaborative team is composed of the attorneys, the neutral financial professional, and the family specialist/communication coach who combine the viewpoints of the legal, financial, and mental health professions to achieve the best possible outcome for children and families.  If there are children involved, the team may also include a child specialist.  When these professions work together, they bring a synergy to resolving the restructuring family, balancing the legal, emotional and financial needs.

Is Mediation Your Best Option?

Whenever people live, play or work together, there is a potential for conflict: Between spouses, siblings, parents, teenagers, and adults dealing with older parents; family disputes are legendary.  Additionally conflict can develop between friends and in the workplace.  Mediation allows people to communicate.

In many cases mediation saves relationships in ways surprising to our clients and their families.  For example, here’s a fictional, but realistic scenario many of our clients go through:

Kevin and Francine are childhood sweethearts.  They came in to learn about mediation. We asked them, “What brings you to mediation?” They both started to cry and expressed that they were extremely concerned about their children, ages 7, 9, and 12, and how their divorce would affect them.

The Art of Communication – Part 3

Non-Verbal Communication

There are a whole host of non-verbal methods of getting the point across . . . or not, in a conversation.

Body Language:

Body language is a very powerful tool. We had body language before we had speech, and apparently, 80% of what you understand in a conversation is read through the body, not the words. – - Deborah Bull

As mediators, we are very aware of body language. If a person is sitting in a session with their arms crossed, for example, it is our responsibility to find out what is going on behind that body stance. It is important to identify what is going on with each party so that the mediation will flow properly. It is the mediator’s responsibility to acknowledge the person who has their arms crossed and find out what that gesture means. We encourage them to verbalize what the problem is, and describe what they are feeling or what is going on within them. Other forms of body language that are red flags would be avoidance of eye contact, shifting in the seat, facial expressions, twitching of the foot, and doodling.

The Art of Communication – Part 2

Talking and Listening

 

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and
be influenced by them for good or ill. –Buddha

“Effective communication starts with listening.” — Robert Gately

In any communication, there is a relationship between the person who is speaking and the person who is the listener. Between the two people there can be a lot of static which can be as a result of personal experience, tone of voice, or preconceived ideas. If you have a history of anger, that anger can impede communication so that your listening skills becomes impaired. You are actually sabotaging yourself by not listening properly. It is our responsibility, as mediators, to transform that anger into a positive dialog.

The Art of Communication – Part I

Communication is the activity of conveying meaningful information.

Because mediation is a non-adversarial process, our clients are encouraged to express what they are feeling. It sounds simple enough, but communication can be the biggest stumbling block in any mediation because there are so many different aspects to it. This blog is the first of a three part series on the various aspects to communication. In Part 1, we will cover communicating emotions and information processing.

Don’t Miss Mediation Settlement Day!!

Gloria receiving Senate Proclamation Award from Senator Martins

Do you have concerns regarding matrimonial issues such as visitation rights, financial issues of child support/maintenance, prenuptial, or post-nuptial agreements?

What about elder care problems or a small business situation such as an employee disagreement?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you have a dispute that needs resolution. Mediation & Collaborative Action Group (MECOAG) specializes in effectively addressing and resolving family and business conflicts without threat of litigation through methods of mediation and collaboration. These processes have proven to be less costly, less emotionally charged, more effective and more efficient for their clients.

Rita receiving the Senate Proclamation Award from Senator Zeldin (right) and Assembleman Fitzpatrick.

Mediation & Collaborative Action Group partners Gloria Ciolli and Rita Medaglio-Barrera will be available to answer any of your concerns regarding dispute resolution through mediation and collaboration at the annual Mediation Settlement Day, Thursday, Oct 20, 2011 from 10 a.m. – 3 p.m. Held every October since 2001, Mediation Settlement Day is designed to raise awareness about the many benefits of mediation. Unlike arbitration, mediation is intended to bring both parties in a dispute together to work out a mutually agreeable, non-confrontational agreement to end a possible legal dispute.

Answering questions and promoting public awareness of the benefits of alternative conflict resolution through mediation and collaborative law is not new to this very busy duo. For the past 3 years, Rita and Gloria have been building their business based on the processes of mediation and collaboration which can be used to resolve a multitude of issues including:

• Divorce
• Premarital agreements
• Parenting plans
• Visitation rights
• Tenant-landlord issues
• Small business problems
• Post divorce issues
• Elder care decisions
• Financial planning

Recently State Senator Jack M. Martins presented Gloria with a Proclamation/Resolution adopted by New York State Senate and New York State Assembly in Albany.

Rita was also honored with a Proclamation/Resolution adopted by New York State Senate and New York State Assembly in Albany by State Senator Lee M. Zeldin and Assemblyman Michael J. Fitzpatrick.

These Proclamations were presented by each partner’s district Senator and Assemblyman in recognition of their receipt of the Sally Anne Slacke/Linda Jasper Memorial Award by the Research & Education Fund of Suffolk County Women’s Business Enterprise Coalition. Gloria and Rita were honored in recognition of their company’s exemplary business model and their contribution to the mediation and collaborative profession.

While the Award and State Proclamation/Resolution are very prestigious, the larger impact will be in allowing the firm to further their efforts in educating the public. They will do this through the media and increased public relations efforts.

“We are more concerned in informing the community on mediation and collaborative versus going to litigation. We want to save relationships. If you have ever sued anyone you know it is a very difficult, trying, traumatic and emotional time. We want to try to avoid that.”

In addition to Mediation Settlement Day, MECOAG will also participate in three other upcoming events:

 Elder Mediation
October 18, 2011 at The Landmark, 3:30 pm
232 Main Street, Port Washington, NY

 Melville Chamber of Commerce Business Expo
90px;”> October 25, 2011 at the Melville Marriott from 1-6 pm

Work/Life Conference
November 4, 2011 at The National Association of Mothers’ Center
Crest Hollow Country Club from 8:30 am – 4:00 pm

If you would like more information about mediation and collaborative law, feel free to contact MECOAG at 631-393-4456 —- all calls are confidential.