One of our most often discussed topics is STRESS. Because of the overabundance of stress in our modern lives, there is always something that is happening in our life or in the life of someone else that we know. We need the support of each other to make sense of it and learn how to cope with it. One of our walkers did some research and discovered that Hans Selye, an early scientist who studied stress coined the term “stress” from physics and engineering and defined it as “mutual actions of forces that take place across any section of the body, physical or psychological”.

Where does stress come from? It comes from stressors (situations and pressures) like bumper to bumper traffic, angry bosses, deadlines, screaming children, work/life balance issues, long lines at the supermarket, motor vehicle bureau, movie theaters, the environment, the economy, family conflicts, parenting, relationships, disease, aging, buying a house, or going to college – just to mention a few!!! As our lives become more complicated, our stress response increases. The result is: “give me that pill, sign me up at the gym, yoga, kick boxing, tai-chi, or let’s have a drink”, which actually worsens the stress and can make us more sensitive to further stress.

Stress is related to both internal and external factors. Stress costs us not only emotional turmoil, money, but the breakdown of our physical bodies. Everyone thinks that stress comes from the EXTERNAL FORCES. There are many industries that have been supporting this idea because it has become a money making machine, forging this belief in countless articles, websites and advertising campaigns. People then believe that life is inherently and inevitably stressful and we have no control over it.

In truth, stress does not come from your boss, kids, your spouse, traffic jams, health issues, or other circumstances. It comes from your ability to tolerate stress and your thoughts about the circumstances that are going on in your life.

Take for example, people who experience stress when losing a job, which could cause anger and resentment. However, there are other people who may think that this is an opportunity to do something else. They could start their own business, go back to school, take some time off, or make a career change. There are also people who could pack up and move without hesitation.

Often we become stressed or sick when our lives are out of balance. If we know that change is inevitable, then why do we sometimes find ourselves resisting, struggling and being sad, depressed or angry? Well, it is only a conversation in our head that creates the emotion and if you have confidence in yourself and your ability to influence events then it is easier to take stress in stride.

It is more important to learn how to recognize when your stress levels are out of control. The most dangerous thing about stress is how easily it can sneak up on you. You can even get used to it. It starts to feel familiar, even normal. You do not even notice how much it is affecting you, even as it takes a heavy toll on your body and the signs and symptoms of stress overload can be almost anything. Stress affects the mind, body and behavior in many ways and everyone experiences stress differently. The effects of chronic stress can be high blood pressure, ulcers, heart palpitations, headaches, burst of anger, problems concentrating, a suppressed immune system, increase risk of heart attack and stroke, contributes to infertility, and speeds up the aging process. Long-term stress can affect the brain resulting in you becoming more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.

You may feel like the stress in your life is out of your control, but you can always control the way you RESPOND. Managing stress is all about taking charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your schedule, your environment and the way you deal with problems. Stress management involves changing the stressful situation when you can, changing your reaction when you cannot, taking care of yourself, making time for rest and relaxation, using a personal journal to write down your goals and a strong network of supportive friends and family.

Thus, my morning encounters with my friends harkens a basic ability for me to manage the stresses in my life and an ample sounding board brought to me through “walking therapy”.

Written by: Gloria Ciolli

Mediation & Collaborative Action Group
555 Broadhollow Road, Ste 404
Melville, NY 11747
631-393-4456
www.mecoag.com

In this blog, I’d like to focus specifically on my role as the Financial Neutral and the importance of having an interdisciplinary team. Once a couple has chosen the collaborative process, and have met with their collaborative lawyers, I will meet with them as their financial neutral.

In my role as the neutral, I am helping both husband and wife, whose main financial concerns are how are they going to survive financially and will they be able to retire?  My role is to educate them, present various choices and options, and facilitate their decision making without aligning and advocating for either one of them.

I present the best and worst case scenarios and make the complicated financial issues much easier for them to understand.  I help them solve problems so they can meet their goals and objectives. As the collaborative financial neutral I am not bound by what the court may or may not do, so I can be more creative and bring the clients to a safer place for option exploration and decision making.

Some of the financial issues I can help the couple and their collaborative lawyers with are:

• Income and cash flow availability for spousal support
• Child support including advising on double dipping concerns.
• Income tax issues like resident sales, capital gains, AMT issues
• The equitable distribution of assets net of any tax consequences
• Budgets, financial planning and adequacy of resources
• Retirement savings
• Preparing projections
• Computation of child support
• Alimony recapture computation
• Any present value for buyouts and other purposes
• Asset tracing
• Determination of marital and separate property components of assets
• Understanding complex financial documents and products and preparing net worth statements

Have you ever felt like a professional was aligning against you in the past?

The Collaborative team approach addresses the emotional, financial, and legal issues of a dispute and provides clients with the best tools to facilitate conversation, collaboration and agreement.

There are three reasons why a couple may choose to use the Collaborative process as opposed to Mediation:

• When there is an imbalance of power in the relationship
• When one of the parties is uncomfortable about or unsure of their ability to advocate for themselves
• When there is high conflict between the parties

In these three situations, couples feel more comfortable in the collaborative process because they have their own coach and their own legal representative advocating for them.

A successful multidisciplinary Collaborative team is composed of the attorneys, the neutral financial professional, and the family specialist/communication coach who combine the viewpoints of the legal, financial, and mental health professions to achieve the best possible outcome for children and families.  If there are children involved, the team may also include a child specialist.  When these professions work together, they bring a synergy to resolving the restructuring family, balancing the legal, emotional and financial needs.

The collaborative divorce process uses informal discussions and meetings attended by both spouses and their attorneys, the financial neutral and the family life specialist/communication coach, to settle all their issues.  Collaborative process relies on an atmosphere of honesty, cooperation, integrity and professionalism.  It requires that both spouses provide all pertinent documents and information relating to the issues to be settled.  The spouses also must sign a participation agreement stating that they will not litigate.  If the collaborative process is terminated before reaching an agreement, the spouses cannot use any of the work product developed by the multidisciplinary team and no one from the team can be hired in the litigation case.

The financial professional is a neutral.  The family specialist is a neutral also, though they can be hired to help one of the parties in which case, the other party would also hire a family specialist.  That’s a dual model where each coach is no longer a neutral but is advocating for their particular spouse.

At MECOAG, when someone decides to choose this model, they get both of us on their collaborative team, one functioning as the financial neutral and one as the family  specialist/communication coach.  Normally, someone would go into a lawyer’s office and the lawyer would say to them “I’m a collaborative lawyer,” then the client would have to pick the rest of the people for their team.  In our office, we already have half the team here and available, which is one of the things that makes us unique in the field.

Are you  looking for a cost effective, efficient and less stressful way to get divorced without going through litigation?  Give us a call.

In many cases mediation saves relationships in ways surprising to our clients and their families.  For example, here’s a fictional, but realistic scenario many of our clients go through:

Kevin and Francine are childhood sweethearts.  They came in to learn about mediation. We asked them, “What brings you to mediation?” They both started to cry and expressed that they were extremely concerned about their children, ages 7, 9, and 12, and how their divorce would affect them.

We explained that co-mediation has proven to be less costly, less emotionally charged, more effective and more efficient for our clients rather than the normal method of dispute resolution, litigation.  Mediation also tries to preserve personal and financial assets and maintain good relationships, especially when children are involved.  Mediation is a tested, sensitive approach to conflict resolution.

Kevin and Francine decided to follow through with mediation: We worked with them on their household and post divorce budgets, as well as their co-parenting plan. We then finalized their Memorandum of Understanding (MOU).  Kevin and Francine were ready to sign their MOU, but decided to take some time away from mediation before doing so.

After some time, they returned to us.  They said that after going through the mediation process, they realized that they did not want to get divorced.  They explained that our help in facilitating discussions helped them to see their situation more clearly.  They would never have experienced such healthy communication in litigation.  Through our mediation process, Kevin and Francine realized getting divorced was not the answer for them (nor would it benefit their children).

Our co-mediation process is an effective and humane alternative to the traditional adversarial process.  As such, we are not surprised at this outcome.

In our next blog, Rita will explain another choice: When mediation is not appropriate under certain situations we would recommend the Collaborative process.

There are a whole host of non-verbal methods of getting the point across . . . or not, in a conversation.

Body Language:

Body language is a very powerful tool. We had body language before we had speech, and apparently, 80% of what you understand in a conversation is read through the body, not the words. – - Deborah Bull

As mediators, we are very aware of body language. If a person is sitting in a session with their arms crossed, for example, it is our responsibility to find out what is going on behind that body stance. It is important to identify what is going on with each party so that the mediation will flow properly. It is the mediator’s responsibility to acknowledge the person who has their arms crossed and find out what that gesture means. We encourage them to verbalize what the problem is, and describe what they are feeling or what is going on within them. Other forms of body language that are red flags would be avoidance of eye contact, shifting in the seat, facial expressions, twitching of the foot, and doodling.

We as co-mediators take the responsibility to find out what is underneath that body language and get the client to express what they are feeling so that the other party can understand what is going on. Once everything is out in the open, we can find ways to resolve the problems that are hindering the mediation.

Silence:

“Silence is the training ground for the art of listening.” — Linda Douty

In mediation we try to foster transparency and open communication, so silence is not encouraged. However, people process information differently, so one party may be sitting in silence, but their silence is a result of their processing and thinking about how they would like to respond before speaking rather than employing silence as a weapon to derail communication.

Tone of Voice:

“Clearly, communication is more than words. There is also the energy
of the intention behind the words. And intention is the most powerful force in any communication.” — Layne and Paul Cutright

Our role as mediators is to help to facilitate discussion. Part of doing that is managing people’s feelings in a constructive and positive way. Bullying and/or speaking aggressively are not allowed. This doesn’t mean we don’t recognize the emotionally charged nature of any mediation but we try to steer the parties toward healthy, constructive ways to express strong emotions.

In the mediation environment, we are all working toward the same goal. As co-mediators, we want to create a safe place for the parties to speak openly. To encourage respect for one another, we set rules about speaking. For example:

• “I” messages
• Not interrupting when it is the other party’s time to talk
• Asking for “time outs” if they find themselves getting over emotional, feeling a loss of control, or feeling intimidated
• Be open-minded and not judgmental
• Attack the problems and concerns at hand, rather than attacking each other.

Appearance:

To establish yourself in the world a person must do all they can to appear already established. – - François de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

Dress and appearance can immediately set the tone for a meeting. Coming to the mediation dressed inappropriately, may be a reflection of that party’s attitude toward the mediation. That doesn’t mean the parties should come to each and every mediation “dressed to the nines”, but looking like they just threw clothes on at the last minute without thinking about it does not reflect well on them. Dressing appropriately is a sign of respect for themselves and for the others in the room. If they come in dressed sloppily or are disheveled, it may indicate that they are not taking the meeting seriously. It can also be their way of non-verbally showing their resistance to the process.

Punctuality and Postponement:

Few things tend more to alienate friendship than a want of punctuality in our engagements. – - William Hazlitt

The simplest way to avoid communication is to not show up or consistently postpone the session. It shows a lack of respect for the parties and the mediators who are trying to help the parties arrive at an agreement. Not being punctual or postponing sessions clearly indicates an unwillingness to face and resolve the situation and/or a need to “punish” the other party by delaying the process. It will also simply perpetuate anger and frustration that may already exist and make the mediation process more difficult than it needs to be.

We have been communicating since the beginning of time yet in most relationships communication can be a challenge. Would you like to share your experiences with us? Feel free to comment below.

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and
be influenced by them for good or ill. –Buddha

“Effective communication starts with listening.” — Robert Gately

In any communication, there is a relationship between the person who is speaking and the person who is the listener. Between the two people there can be a lot of static which can be as a result of personal experience, tone of voice, or preconceived ideas. If you have a history of anger, that anger can impede communication so that your listening skills becomes impaired. You are actually sabotaging yourself by not listening properly. It is our responsibility, as mediators, to transform that anger into a positive dialog.

It has been our experience that it is more beneficial for our clients to communicate with each other when they are sitting next to each other as opposed to when they are across the table. Just the fact of sitting across the table signifies an adversarial environment. It is very important in mediation and in collaborative law that husband and wife sit next to each other.

“I” Messages

We encourage each partner to express anger verbally by telling the other person how they feel, not how the other person “makes” them feel:

“I am angry”
“I strongly disagree with you”
“I think that is unfair.”

Rather than:

“You make me so angry.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?”
“You are being so unfair to me.”

Note the use of the pronoun “I” in the first set of examples. When you say “I” you are talking about yourself; when you say “you” you are being accusatory, which cuts off communication. By expressing how “I” feel, the other person will have no reason to become defensive and angry. Attacking the other party using the pronoun “you”, however, will often escalate the emotional turmoil.

There is a process called FIRR – Fact, Impact, Respect and Request

• Somebody says something.
• What is the impact on me?
• How do I feel about it? (She feels bad)
• Request it said in a way that” I can hear it”.

Analogy:

Driver 1 passes a cow standing in the middle of the opposite lane. As he comes around a bend, he sees a car coming toward him. Driver 1 yells “Cow”. Driver 2 takes offense at what she perceives as a slur and yells back “Pig!” Driver 2 then proceeds to run into the cow.

Driver 1 was trying to help driver 2 by giving her a “fact”. With no other information beyond that one word, the impact on driver 2 is a negative one. She takes driver 1’s warning as an insult and so she yells “Pig!” The result is that she runs into the cow with her car.

Resolving this situation requires that you think of a respectful way to make your request so that it will not cause the other party to take offense.

Example:

“What you are saying is very important to me. Would you mind saying it again so I can give it my full attention?”

In order to better understand our clients and for them to know that we understand what they are saying we use a technique called “LOOPING”. The method is very simple – the person explains something, we reframe (or interpret) what they are saying back to them and then they confirm our understanding thus completing the loop. In this way, we help each party get their thoughts across so that there is no mistake or misinterpretation in the translation of their communication. The process of “LOOPING” has been very receptive in our mediation practice and appreciated by our clients.

Because mediation is a non-adversarial process, our clients are encouraged to express what they are feeling. It sounds simple enough, but communication can be the biggest stumbling block in any mediation because there are so many different aspects to it. This blog is the first of a three part series on the various aspects to communication. In Part 1, we will cover communicating emotions and information processing.

Emotions

Communication works for those who work at it. – Dr. John Powell

To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. -Anthony Robbins

Communicating emotions is both difficult and important. The reason that we don’t communicate well is that we get very confused when we are extremely emotional. We can’t think calmly or clearly. It is also difficult because we have never been taught how to communicate emotions effectively.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just exist. If you leave your feelings out of your communication you will fail to communicate with meaning. Feelings represent a great part of who you are. Imagine winning the lottery, or when you first starting driving or the birth of your first baby…and leave out emotion….it just wouldn’t work. The emotions of joy and excitement would be lacking in the communicator and the one interpreting the experience would lack the most important ingredient….the emotion.

Inappropriate Communication

An event occurs——->You experience an emotion: Surprise, Joy, Excitement, Anger ——->You Respond Physically: Your heart beats faster, Your face flushes, Your hands become sweaty, Some can’t think straight——->Then you respond

Appropriate Communication

An event occurs——–>You experience an emotion——->You interpret this arousal——->You decide what emotion you are experiencing——->You identify the reasons for your feelings: You understand the emotion——->After you decide if you want to express this emotion/will it get the results you want——->You react

Information Processing

“You cannot teach anybody anything. You can only help them discover it within themselves.” – - Galileo

As co-mediators, we realize the importance of recognizing how people process information. There are 3 basic processing styles:

• Visual – People who process information by seeing it
• Auditory – People who process information by hearing it
• Mechanical – People who process information by doing it

Handing an “aural” processor a sheaf of papers to read and digest will probably impede the process of the mediation. In the same way, verbally explaining everything to a “visual” learner may cause them to ”zone out” and not understand what is going on.

As our logo demonstrates, to insure a successful mediation, all the many parts must be discussed and eventually fit together like the pieces of a puzzle. Communication is one of those pieces and it is our responsibility to keep it flowing so the process moves toward a successful conclusion for all the parties involved.

In Part 2 of this series, our topic will be Talking and Listening.

Gloria receiving Senate Proclamation Award from Senator Martins

What about elder care problems or a small business situation such as an employee disagreement?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you have a dispute that needs resolution. Mediation & Collaborative Action Group (MECOAG) specializes in effectively addressing and resolving family and business conflicts without threat of litigation through methods of mediation and collaboration. These processes have proven to be less costly, less emotionally charged, more effective and more efficient for their clients.

Rita receiving the Senate Proclamation Award from Senator Zeldin (right) and Assembleman Fitzpatrick.

Answering questions and promoting public awareness of the benefits of alternative conflict resolution through mediation and collaborative law is not new to this very busy duo. For the past 3 years, Rita and Gloria have been building their business based on the processes of mediation and collaboration which can be used to resolve a multitude of issues including:

• Divorce
• Premarital agreements
• Parenting plans
• Visitation rights
• Tenant-landlord issues
• Small business problems
• Post divorce issues
• Elder care decisions
• Financial planning

Recently State Senator Jack M. Martins presented Gloria with a Proclamation/Resolution adopted by New York State Senate and New York State Assembly in Albany.

Rita was also honored with a Proclamation/Resolution adopted by New York State Senate and New York State Assembly in Albany by State Senator Lee M. Zeldin and Assemblyman Michael J. Fitzpatrick.

These Proclamations were presented by each partner’s district Senator and Assemblyman in recognition of their receipt of the Sally Anne Slacke/Linda Jasper Memorial Award by the Research & Education Fund of Suffolk County Women’s Business Enterprise Coalition. Gloria and Rita were honored in recognition of their company’s exemplary business model and their contribution to the mediation and collaborative profession.

While the Award and State Proclamation/Resolution are very prestigious, the larger impact will be in allowing the firm to further their efforts in educating the public. They will do this through the media and increased public relations efforts.

“We are more concerned in informing the community on mediation and collaborative versus going to litigation. We want to save relationships. If you have ever sued anyone you know it is a very difficult, trying, traumatic and emotional time. We want to try to avoid that.”

In addition to Mediation Settlement Day, MECOAG will also participate in three other upcoming events:

 Elder Mediation
October 18, 2011 at The Landmark, 3:30 pm
232 Main Street, Port Washington, NY

 Melville Chamber of Commerce Business Expo
90px;”> October 25, 2011 at the Melville Marriott from 1-6 pm

Work/Life Conference
November 4, 2011 at The National Association of Mothers’ Center
Crest Hollow Country Club from 8:30 am – 4:00 pm

If you would like more information about mediation and collaborative law, feel free to contact MECOAG at 631-393-4456 —- all calls are confidential.